How has the journey towards Understanding self helped as a parent of a neurodivergent child? 

Poorva Khandelwal

I am Mansha’s mother, Poorva, a single parent, an art educator and an explorer.

Mansha turns 15 in August 2025, and I turn wiser every day with her. 

Mansha is on the Autism Spectrum, which when I look into deeply, can see certain traits, for example wanting to do things only in her way. I realised aren’t we all on the spectrum too? Having our very unique ways, and not wanting to do things a different way. In our life, we are blessed that Mansha is great at conversations, is a storyteller, loves meeting new people and having interactions. We both love travelling, exploring new places, doing art together, singing songs, listening to music. 

Our life has been beautifully full, nourishing and full of adventures and Explorations. I have realised though on this journey, and it’s taken years and years to get here.

 When I was disconnected to myself, I was scattered, angry, anxious, scared, fearful, unsure, irritable, indecisive. I was trying to do all the right things, check all the boxes, take her to the best therapists, I was basically trying to fix her. I was not able to see things for what they were, I was muddled up and drowning in my over thinking. Everything that anyone said would bother me, trigger me. I was constantly comparing my daughter to other children. I was forever trying to get her to fit-in, have a social circle, gather new friendships.

And all of this was causing pain, loneliness, frustration and helplessness.

That’s when I started seeing that this state of my being was not helping Mansha. She was scattered, seemed to be having more seizures. (she has a rare medical condition called Hyperinsulinism Hyperammoneia) a part of this congenital condition is also Epilepsy. So, the more I was disturbed and not at peace, the more she was stressed by having seizures at night. The day I was stressed and not at ease, those days were tough days with her behaviours too.

Finally it got to a point where I realised I was going through a depression and having panic attacks about her health, her seizures, her future, what after me etc etc and I was spiralling down very very fast. I could see myself not being able to get up every morning, not being able to cook, only cry and cry and cry, and so much so that I felt I would die, with no breath. But something in me kept me from dying- it was her- I could not imagine giving up and leaving her and not being the strong ground that she could stand on.

I had to get out of this depression. And I could see if I didn’t I would harm her, I was harming her. I started counseling sessions for myself, I seeked psychiatric Help, I rested, I slowly and steadily faced my demons and got back into an active , happy life with her.

This journey made me realise that if I’m forever looking on the outside for my answers and solutions, I will always keep seeking, and now I had done my bit of seeking, I had read the books, I had spoken to mentors, I had guides, now all I needed to do was to get back the confidence I was beginning to lose in myself, just out of sheer exhaustion of a single parent to a neurodivergent child.

The discovery of myself – and this inner exploration – the things I learned –

I can’t keep giving from an empty cup – I was depleted of my energies by just giving to her 24/7/365 days.

I was not taking care of myself.

I was totally ignoring the needs of my body, mind and heart.

I was tired all the time.

I was not physically fit.

The discovery of this was an eye opener and a reality check, that if I didn’t fix this, nothing else would get fixed, nothing would matter if I was not fit enough to take care of her, She needed me and I needed to get ok not just for her, for myself first. I had to stop sacrificing my needs. The only way to take care of her, was to first take care of myself.

Understanding myself – the journey of discovery

I am Poorva , before a mother I am Poorva- Who is Poorva without Mansha? beautiful, energetic, full of charm and vitality, I teach beautiful art forms from across the World, I’m a lovely human being, I love dancing, I love singing kabir, I love creating, I love travelling, I love adventure, I love Explorations, I love local crafts, I love reading philosophy… So much more, the list is huge.  This was the biggest reality that I had been ignoring for 14 years, that this is all of who I am, and I’m NOT JUST MANSHA’S MOTHER.

Phew! That itself was the biggest relief to be able to ACCEPT this TRUTH. 

Poorva has needs- A need to be loved, a need to be nourished with lovely friendships, a need for rest (without  feeling guilty to rest or sleep a little longer some morning). A need to sometimes DO NOTHING . A need to DEEP DIVE IN through meditation or Journaling or writing, so that I could find an inner calm. This Poorva needed to create for herself without always creating for Mansha or with Mansha. To go away, take a holiday and be alone. The biggest need also being SILENT, to be alone and have time to process things instead of always having to listen, and respond and be, and do and create and cook, and clean, and teach, and organise, and plan, and yet be expected to Love Unconditionally and love without losing your temper, and always be gentle ..

Phew! I’m tired just writing this.  So yes, once, finally

When this truth was out there in the open,

And I started to find ways to make this happen for me, found friends who could help, found family who could be with her while I took a break, that’s when with these little strategies ,

I could celebrate her so much more, I was so much more in presence with her, I was so much more present to her, to her needs, because now, finally after years of sacrificing, my Needs were being met. With my needs being met, everything was calmer, gentler and so much easier to now give attention to her needs, from a space of fulfillment for myself.

This discovery of myself, has made me so much more accepting of myself, as I am, Celebrating myself, fulfilling my needs and doing so without guilty, this self-discovery has lead to a beautiful, loving and more playful relationship with Mansha. A relationship where we are both honouring each other’s needs now, and me realising that without my self-preservation there would be an extinction of a peaceful connection and relationship with Mansha.

Poorva Khandelwal

khandelwal.poorva@gmail.com

Poorva has been an art educator for over 25 years, teaching world folk and tribal arts. She is a peer counsellor for other families of neurodivergent children.